The Path is Through
I have fears gatekeeping the doors of expansion. I’ve listened to the guards’ chatter for what seems like a very long time, and I have a feeling that if I speak honestly, the locks will soften, and bit by bit, I’ll be opened to the other side.
I don’t know what’s beyond the gateway, but I feel an intense longing in my heart to find out. When I connect to the sensation of longing—like now, as I write in the dark at 3:30 a.m. from a velvet couch in a French Alps chateau while my mom sleeps softly next to me—I cry and am filled with energy.
If I know one thing to be true from four years of self-study guided by a rich tapestry of teachers, trainings, traditions, and experiences, it’s that anything that activates or paralyzes me this deeply is precious information.
So when I wake up in the middle of the night to a chest-pounding stimulus I can only describe as empowering inspiration, I understand that it’s not just a feeling to be noticed, but an invitation from within to honor, explore, and move toward with curiosity.
I start by letting my body-mind run wild; fingers like lighting releasing a tornado of spinning thoughts. After chaos comes clarity: I want to authentically express myself. Then intention: I am opening my voice through following my heart. Then persistence: I am devoted to the creative process regardless of where it leads.
So, protectors of the great unknown: here are my obstacles—sincere fears and self-doubts.
- I am irrelevant. No one is interested in what I have to say.
- I'm imperfect. I'm not a good writer.
- I'm unoriginal. Everything I write has already been written.
- I will be judged. If people do read me, they will think my writing is pathetic and/or foolish.
- I will be perceived as inadequate. People will think I'm immature and unintelligent.
- I will be rejected. People I admire will see more of my inner world and not like me anymore.
- I will humiliate myself. I will publicly embarrass myself by sharing online.
- I will loose control. Something unknown could happen and I won't be able to manage the potential consequences.
A past version of myself would get very excited about a new endeavor, ambitiously create a publishing schedule, and make declarations of output to myself, my family, or friends. Inevitably, the excitement would fade as I failed to meet measurable standards.
Life-experience has shown me that when I enter my fears and trust my not knowing, I receive wonderful surprises and expand my reality (more on this in time). So this time, I'm going to trust the ebbs and flows of my natural rhythm. No forcing my way forward.
I offer this as a soft new beginning of creative play. A gentle invitation to be a beginner and explore something new, unbound by expectation.
Let's play, Jess.